Communication scholar Mark Knapp advocates for a relationship development model that includes five stages of coming together and five stages of coming apart (McCornack, 2013, p. 295). My relationship with my wife, Zoey, is fairly new (at this level), and it is the most important relationship that I will ever have with another person. This relationship has followed Knapp’s model (the coming together half) almost perfectly, and I will walk our relationship through that model in the rest of this post.
The Initiating Stage
At this stage, someone basically analyzes another person based on superficial qualities (attractiveness, posture, clothing, cleanliness, etc) in order to figure out whether or not he or she would ever want to pursue a relationship with the other person.
I met my wife at a game night set up by mutual friends. Because my guy friends and I arrived at the Student Center first, I remember first seeing the group of girls (my wife included) walking up to our table. I remember thinking, “Dang, there are actually some cute girls that go to school here. How come I haven’t seen them before?” Zoey sat down right next to me, and we ended up being partners for a stupid team game (Balderdash). We got dead last.
The Experimenting Stage
During this stage, people begin exchanging basic information about themselves as well as engaging in non-threatening “small talk.”
This stage was lightly sprinkled with the initiating stage the night I met Zoey. We did not engage in small talk (I was focused on impressing her with my board gaming skills), but we exchanged some basic information. A few days later, she added me as a friend on Facebook (yeah, I’m that guy). In that same month, the same group of friends decided to get together again at Applebee’s. The girls worked out their seating situation so that Zoey just “happened” to sit by me (she would say that she was way more into me at this point). I tried engaging her in some "small talk" over dinner; however, she only gave me short answers to my questions (come to find out, she was extremely nervous).
The Intensifying Stage
This stage involves a deepening of the relationship. This can be evidenced by several different occurrences: partners revealing more vulnerable parts of their pasts, “pet” names, open indications of commitment (“Facebook official” or verbally expressing feelings of affection), and crossing physical barriers.
After several months of hanging out in friend groups and one-on-one dates, we decided to “become official.” I had decided that I did not want to put it on Facebook, for I would rather keep this sort of thing private in case our relationship soured. She reluctantly agreed to that on day one. On day two, it was on Facebook. Another example of intensifying in our relationship was the several instances that Zoey said, “My hands are cold.” Now any normal person knows that this is code for “hold my hand;” however, I am unfortunately too stupid with women to pick up on this “obvious” hint. She claims that she said it at least five times to me, one of these instances even saying “my hand is cold” as she slightly extended her hand my way. Still I was too stupid to realize what was going on. Fortunately, she was determined to make it work despite my shortcomings (in more areas than just picking up signals).
The Integrating Stage
During the integrating stage, partners get closer as they find their identities becoming more intertwined. This is often displayed through shared activities, sexual activity, being automatically associated with one another by others, and use of “our” and “us” language when describing themselves (as opposed to you and I).
Zoey and I continued to grow closer to one another as weeks became months and months became years. Most of my free time I sought to spend with her. We did lots of walking and talking, trying to figure out if we would be compatible for a long term relationship. We started attending the same church and hanging out with people as a couple. Despite a few rocky places (apparently it’s not okay to burp loudly in the presence of a woman), we decided to continue our relationship.
Bonding
Bonding is the pinnacle of a relationship. Typically accompanying this stage is some kind of “public ritual” that signifies two people’s commitment to one another. Getting legally married is a prime example of this (Knapp's Relationship Model, 2015, Bonding).
On January 25, 2014, I asked my beautiful Zoey Aden to become Zoey Harp and spend the rest of her life with me. On August 9, 2014, we established our commitment to one another in the eyes of the public, the government, and God. My bride was more beautiful than I had ever seen her when she walked towards me in a radiant white dress that day. She gets more and more beautiful every single day (inside and out), and though no relationship is perfect, I am extremely thankful to wake up every morning next to such a gem (with the breath of a hibernating bear). I often see eyebrows raise when people see that I married someone so far “out of my league” (she’ll read this), but I am grateful it is so. I would not have it any other way. She is as committed as I am to making this relationship work through good times and bad, and there is nothing more that I could ever ask for.
Sources
Knapp's Relationship Model. (n.d.). Retrieved January 31, 2015, from http://communicationtheory.org/knapps-relationship-model/
McCornack, S. (2013). Relationships with Romantic Partners. In Reflect & Relate: An Introduction to Personal Communication (3rd ed., pp. 293-295). Boston: Bedford/ St. Martins.